I grew up in the 90s. Whenever I think of my childhood I remember Backstreet Boys, Spice Girls, Tamagotchis, Hey Arnold, Fifa 1997, fanny packs, dungarees and kitsch clothes. Some aspects of 90s fashion should have disappeared. You know, as in gotten shot, burnt and the ashes spread in four corners of the earth (which is a task that would take an infinite amount of time because the earth is round). However, I’m seeing a recurrence of these things. If the trend is good I will take you through what you should wear and how you should wear it. If it’s a fugly trend and you’re wearing it then you actually might die because my glance will kill you.
*Fugly = fucking ugly and it’s worse than bad.
Bare-midriffs (Crop Tops)
This trend can go really well or really horribly. Trashy people engage in this trend so if you attempt it beware of what you’re getting yourself into. In the year 2012, we’ve moved on from Britney Spears in “Hit Me Baby One More Time” to a version of the cropped top that is more like a shrunken shirt. I like this trend because only people who know they can pull it off wear it unlike those girls that waddle their camel toe bearing jean shorts in my face while I’m simply trying to enjoy a meal at the Neighbourgoods Market.
Wearing this trend requires you to cover up a bit. You can do that by:
– Wearing high-waisted skirts and trousers with the crop top
– Wearing something beneath it like a tank top
Platforms and Chunky Heels
You could argue with me and say this trend is from the 80s and I would agree. It’s just that it spilled over into the 90s when those hideous Buffalo platforms were created and girls from a tender young age were allowed to wear Spice Girl platforms.This trend is back in a big way. It started two years ago with the re-introduction of platform heels. You know high heels with a thick base that allow you to tower over most people and inflict pain on your feet that not even stilettos could create? Well this was the platform, no pun intended, for the proper platforms to enter the market. They came as wedges last year and this year it’s platforms. The forefront leader in platforms and chunky heels is probably Jeffrey Campbell. I like some of shoes in a way that I’d probably never wear them but they are cool to look at. I also hate some his shoes.
|Like these, cool to look at, but I’d never buy them.
Photo from Cinderella’s Closet
This is down to opinion but certain platforms look disgusting. This is however my opinion so I will tell you to avoid Buffalo Platforms*. That’s the only advice I can give you in terms of platforms. If you find vintage Spice Girls shoes I will be jealous.
*I know the Crazy White Bitches love these shoes but I can’t stand them
|I hope lighting strikes you for wearing these.
Photo from TokyoFashion.com
I started a Polyvore, just so I could show you how to wear some of the trends. I’m such a good person! Below is an outfit that uses a crop top and platforms. It’s pretty simple to get it right.
You are only allowed to wear the body suit trend if you have a waist and it isn’t hiding behind some hot dog rolls. I mean that. There is a high chance that you could transform into an apple if you wear this trend and it’s not meant for you. Variations of the body suit trend involve the use of a swimming costume instead of a body suit because some people complain about those crotch buttons.
So, you’ve decided to ignore my advice about not wearing a body suit in public. Lucky for you I am merciful. You can still rock this trend by pairing it with a high-waisted skirt. That should cover the worst of it. If that doesn’t work you could move to the North Pole. I have heard there aren’t many people there. No one will judge what you’re wearing. If you don’t like the North Pole then there is always a dark mine.
This outfit below makes use of a swimming costume and Jeffrey Campbell Lita Platforms. I’ve found that designers have thrown art into swim wear this year. A lot of pieces are about imposing full swimwear pieces with amazing images and prints. It’s very unlikely that anyone will comment that you’re wearing a swim suit. Quite a few people did this at Coachella earlier on in the year.
Some people will tell you that Doc Martens never went out of fashion in the 90s but went underground. They were primarily worn by artists. Doc Martens come with a history and they have been steadily edging their way back into mainstream fashion. I like that they are becoming more mainstream because they are epic shoes. I still have to write the about the trauma I suffered while breaking in my docs but they are worth it.
There are fashionable ways to wear your Doc Martens. It’s a case of remembering what look you’re aiming for. Is it hardcore, so that you require skinny jeans or shorts, a memorable t-shirt and perhaps a leather jacket? Or is it feminine? The feminine look requires skirts of all lengths, except midi, and floral dresses. I must stress that you should only wear your docs with long things or short things because they can make you look short if wear them with a piece that is somewhere in between those two lengths.
The look below is a combination of the feminine and hardcore looks. I know it looks higher grade to you. Don’t worry, you’ll get it right one day.
My blood pressure has already started to rise just thinking that these things might try and come back. All it takes is for one unfortunate designer to try make these things appear worthy of our attention and then I’m screwed because majority will follow just because it’s trending and will forget that real style is not about following the trends.
Are you a Japanese tourist?
Do you wear sneakers, long white socks and cargo shorts when you go out?
Are you really old, +176 years?
If you answered yes to one or more of those questions that you have won the magic prize! You can wear a fanny pack and look like an idiot!
I hate fanny packs. They are useful but I cannot fathom any one of you wilfully putting one on except as part of your Halloween costume. They look ridiculous and their name is ridiculous!
These shoes were supposed to be good for your feet but I found they were like the Crocs of organic-good-for-feet shoes. Most of the ones I stumbled across had dark brown ingrained foot prints in them and smelt really bad. They’re not even attractive looking shoes. Bury them whole! I’m sure they would better serve the environment by being used as fertiliser.
I think of dungarees and I think of children’s clothing. Some people on Lookbook like dungarees and I can’t quite understand why. They are shapeless large pieces of material. Shame on you grown adults that wear them! Shame on you!
I didn’t put a picture for them because it made me too angry.
That’s it. If I catch you wearing something good I’ll take a photo for Street Style. If you’re wearing something fugly then you might mysteriously die. The end.