I know not every guy looks like David Beckham in a pair of underwear; as does no girl look like a Victoria Secret model in hers, but after recently watching H&M’s S/13 video advertisement featuring Becks, I felt compelled to explain to guys the do’s and don’t’s of men’s underwear – from a female perspective.


Tighty Whities
One of my friends recently told me a story where she was hooking up with a guy who wore tighty whities. That same evening she told him how tragic it was that he was wearing them (they had not slept together yet). The next day he admittedly borrowed (yes borrowed) a pair of his mate’s briefs* to impress her, thus hoping to seal the deal. It never happened.

*Guys, please note wearing the right underwear does not automatically mean that a girl will sleep with you, especially if they are second hand.

P1000575
Unless you are below the age of 12 you should not wear tighty whities. It baffles me as to why guys our age still insist on wearing them. The moment I see that thick white band sticking out of a guy’s trousers a part of me dies inside. It’s a tragedy. A note to the guys, apparently tighty whities make your package look smaller; unless you’re Congolese this could be a problem.

Boxers

f43faf3d
Unless you are starring in a bad 90s rap music video I suggest that you pull your pants over your boxers so that no one can see them. I cringe when I see guys in front of me with their silky boxers puffed up just above their pants. I often wonder if it’s uncomfortable having that much fabric tucked into your pants. When it comes to acceptable boxers bear the following two things in mind:

– Only wear cotton ones (no silky, cartoon ones with ridiculous jokes on)
– Only wear them around the house/to bed. Never in public.

Briefs

h-m-david-beckham
Yetu and I were recently at a commune party and we noticed a guy wearing “Calvin KKlein” briefs (the same guy later proceeded to wet himself, perhaps a bit to confident in his so-called CKKs?) Yes, they were obvious fakes but is it still acceptable? My answer: YES. I’d take fake branded briefs over the other underwear options. But in saying that let’s keep it real; if you’re going to wear fakes make sure it’s not painfully obvious and at least spelled correctly. Briefs are a definite and complete sexy yes.

Second-hand Underwear
The fact that this is even a consideration disturbs me more than the tighty whities. I get underwear can be expensive but I’m sure that if you look hard enough you’ll find a cheap but decent pair. Buy fabric and make your own if you have to. Under no circumstances is second-hand underwear (be it a friends or from a charity store) acceptable.

Freeballing
Recently one of my guy mates (bear in mind this was a two-week holiday) ruined my afternoon with, ‘Brought them [Jockey underwear] … they just came back clean’. His justification for freeballing was that he was on holiday and it would get all hot and sweaty down there.

Reasons for not freeballing:
– If your pants are baggy we will see everything (from all angles)
– If you pants are too tight we will disturbingly see defined shapes and your pants cutting into places they shouldn’t (the combination of a male camel toe and an underwear-less wedgy)

It’s disturbing, your trouser snake package should not be treated like that. In summary, I’m saying yes to briefs. Cotton boxers are for the house and as for the rest…