I never knew what fashion horrors lay at H2O in Boksburg, Johannesburg, and I’ll give my recap of what I saw. I was there for the Johannesburg leg of the Skrillex Mother Ship SA tour. Read what we thought of the whole experience by clicking here.

 

A typical conversation between a boy and girl while they prepare for H2O:
Girl: “Babe, so even though there’s no water at H2O anymore, I’m thinking of wearing my bikini, a transparent lumo top, and the shortest shorts I can find, but everyone is going to be wearing that. Maybe I should wear a spandex dress that covers barely anything and those gladiator sandals I got in 2009?”
Boy: “Yeaaaahhhhh buddddy! You’re gonna look so hot. I’m just going to pump my protein shake and not drink water for a week. I was planning on not wearing a t-shirt. Do you wanna borrow my spray tan? I think there might be some left in the Pauly D 015 colour. ”

If this conversation is foreign to you then might not be a regular at H2O.

Fashion is defined as: “The style characteristic of the social elite”. If H2O is ever considered fashionable then I want be a hobo in that society. I’m a firm believer in appreciating something fashionable, even if it’s not what I’d wear, but the style that was present at H2O would go against my moral compass. Let me breakdown the basic H2O uniforms.

Girls – The Booty Shorts

We are all aware of this piece of denim fabric that is supposed to cover your rear. As the summers go by they get shorter and shorter and currently we could actually study them as denim thongs. Please note that even as a size 26 you can fall victim to cellulite. Don’t get me wrong, we all have it, but please check the mirror before leaving home. If you have it stretching from half of your revealing ass to just above your back knee then I’d suggest making an effort to cover up.

Girls – The Bikinis

It baffled me that the majority of girls were wearing bikinis. The only water that H2O is referring to is in its name, all the water is drained for events because idiots kept breaking their necks in its 30cm depths. I’d semi understand if perhaps you were planning on tanning your fake tan but it was overcast and drizzling.

Boys – The Muscle

Considering H2O could be regarded as the real Jersey Shore of South Africa, you would think with all the effort the guys put into their image, they would look super fantastic but they don’t. It’s the inverse: the more effort, the less appealing. The over-tanned, over-bearing muscles were of course the main eye sore feature for the day. This was supported by the usual array of wife beaters in every colour, including a red one with a pair of green lumo suspenders making a somewhat questionable complimentary-colour appearance.

The rest of us

The rest of the us could be considered the black sheep amongst the – insert so much sarcasm that you could ironically drown in it – high fashion that is H2O. If you weren’t wearing the fore mentioned clothing you proudly fall under this category as an actual Skrillex fan*, one of the few that didn’t just come because they heard a Skrillex song in Manhattans Club or 5FM one time and pumped their fist in the air and automatically assumed that they’re now hardcore electro music fans. You were most likely wearing a denim shirt, normal t-shirts and anything that would be deemed appropriate by society outside the orange hell that was H2O.

*You’re an actual Skrillex fan because you decided that you would risk anything for Skrillex. H2O is not your playground but a personal hell that you endured. I do understand that some Skrillex fans were undercover. One person told me that he used to dress normally but every time he did people would want to fight with him so now he’s been forced into wife beaters to ‘fit in’.

That’s it from this fashion report. If you’re hearing from me again it will be too soon.