Lily’s final project for her photography class pretty much sums up how she felt for the most part of 2017 and it took her a while to find the courage to post it.
Last year has been a very wild rollercoaster ride. There were multiple things that triggered the emotional breakdown that I had. I’m unable to share them on here. However, I can say that everything that could have possibly gone wrong in my life, went wrong.
I barely talked about it with other people. I was embarrassed. Embarrassed of not being able to stop drowning into a dark oblivion. Ashamed of my weakness, I couldn’t sleep. I was afraid of the silence, I kept myself busy till 4 in the morning just so I could pass-out immediately and not think about anything at all. The panic attacks were back.
I had no idea that pain could take so many different forms. I didn’t know that you could be afraid, devastated, lost and empty all at the same time. I felt like I was running in circles, never getting anywhere.
I stopped communicating with pretty much everyone. I felt like I was some kind of sad disease that I might infect other people.
What has been tested most this year is my ability to trust.
To trust that I’m worthy, to trust that I’ll be successful, to trust that I have skills and talents and to trust that I can be loved. When you think about it, you come to realize how essential trust is. To trust that when we fell down, we can stand up again, to trust, when we feel lost, that we’ll find our way. To trust, that even in the darkest places, we’ll see light again.
Now I realize if all those things hadn’t happened to me, I wouldn’t have grown into a stronger person that I am today.
Yes, I might still be looking for some missing pieces of me that I lost last year. I’m still learning how to love myself and trust people again. However, of all battles that I’ve lost I won the most important one, the one with myself and I’m proud of that.